I adore weddings. I also consider myself a feminist. I never realized that these two facts could be considered problematic or even contradictory until about six months ago when I stumbled upon this Salon.com piece, "Attack of the Feminist Bridezilla!" which chronicles the backlash that Jessica Valenti (founder of Feministing.com) received when she announced that she was getting married last year. Although Valenti planned an extremely politically correct wedding, it still wasn't enough for her critics. On the other side of the issue more conservative women were attacking her for politicizing her wedding and calling her a "feminist bridezilla." You can read Valenti's take on the debacle here.
The idea that a true feminist cannot enjoy weddings (at least not mainstream and conventional weddings) is interesting. I never even thought about the idea of having a feminist wedding. Granted I am not engaged nor do I run a Web site called Feministing.
However I still think the concept of a more socially progressive wedding has legitimate points. I have never wanted to change my name when I get married. I am uncomfortable with the idea of the groom asking the bride's father for "permission" to propose to her because to me, it implies that the father "owns" the woman and is then passing that ownership onto her husband. "Feminist" options that the Salon piece mentions are getting catering and flowers from ethical companies and marrying in a state that legalized same-sex marriage.
While I agree that these are all great ideas I am not sure that they all fall under feminism. What is the implicit connection between ethical companies and feminism? I think they are all socially conscious concepts but I think it might be a mistake to call them all feminism.
Then the argument on the other side seems to be that you could easily have your wedding turn into an empty political statement. It's definitely a fine line. It also raises interesting questions about political versus personal identity and how separate the two can ever truly be.
The pieces have definitely gotten me interested in the origin and meaning behind wedding traditions.
Do you think it's possible to love conventional weddings and still be a feminist?
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This has me thinking about feminism a lot - I also call myself a feminist because for now, that term is the best way I know to explain a value that I have and possibly to find others who agree. But the word has its limits and problems and everyone disagrees on what the definition of a feminist is, and I think there is no one definition. We live in a "post" everything society where everything is a gray area. It's interesting that many feminists assume there is one right way to be a feminist, and apparently one right lifestyle choice aligned with that (re: supposed ethical choices for the wedding) but that leads us down a scary path where there could be a "right" belief system, a "right" political system, even "right" genders (I think many feminists support the idea that gender is a fluid concept). It's hypocritical to force all self-proclaimed feminists to subscribe to the same lifestyle choices.
ReplyDeleteAs for weddings, I've always thought I was going to have an "unconventional" wedding. But reading the arguments against Jessica Valenti lead me to believe that to her critics, all weddings, and marriages, are a convention. I honestly never thought about the whiteness of the dress nor the patriarchal nature of being "given away" yet I've had silly aesthetic reasons to believe I'm not going to have a conventional wedding. It seems like no matter how one plans to celebrate getting married, it's going to be deemed conventional anyway. Sure, the personal is political, but in my opinion the political is pretty damn personal too.
I like this topic. I consider myself a feminist and love weddings too. Will I wear white? Most likely. Will I have my Dad "give me away"? Maybe not, but who knows. I think the most important thing for me is simply for women to not be over analyzed as a sub-set anymore. I really dislike identity politics - women don't vote or think or plan weddings with the same mind; our choices and opinions are going to as insanely diverse as, well, men's are. I never took women studies, but feminism to me means choice, and being able to live a life with the values and physical choices that are most important to me. Feminists criticizing other women for their wedding choices is, to me, incredibly counter-productive. Let's celebrate the fact that we've come so far that Jesse Valentina found a relationship that she could thrive in!
ReplyDeleteHJ, you make great points re the fact that there is no one definition of feminism. I think that's actually the root of this problem, people who identify themselves as feminists are all referring to different beliefs and values (even though they might all be grounded in the same concept). However while I believe that having too many definitions of feminism is problematic, it is better than the alternative (which I think you rightly describe as "scary,") where feminists decided that there is a right belief system.
ReplyDeleteI agree that all weddings are a convention but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think that for my wedding I will probably try to do things like use gender neutral language, I would never say a vow that has the word "obey", and I don't plan on changing my name. However I do think I will wear white, which for a lot of feminists is a problem in itself. I think the key is finding a balance that makes you happy as an individual but also reflects your political identity.
Kishori: I also used to believe that feminism meant choice. To me it meant the choice to do whatever I want as a female. Through my women's studies classes, I have come to believe that feminism is also a responsibility. Earlier generations of women fought for us to have the right of choice and as a result we owe it to them, ourselves, and future women, to keep fighting until we are truly equal on every level (which unfortunately I don't think we are). I had a Prof (who I respect a lot) tell me I am not a feminist because I am not an activist for the cause. I can respect her opinion but ultimately I don't accept it.
ReplyDeleteWhat is most annoying about this situation (and as you said, counter-productive), is that Jessica Valenti did fulfill her responsibility (she had such a socially conscious wedding!) and she still got backlash. Very disheartening.
I think it's frustrating for a lot of women to be told that you can't be feminine and a feminist, which I don't think any of us believe.